Hayley is a Ghost

I need patience

Posted on: May 2, 2011

I sometimes have to deal with anxiety, depression and occasionally paranoia and it often makes me feel very irrational and very stupid (which in turn makes me feel worse).

Everything has been fine for ages and then just the smallest thing triggered it and I’m suddenly trapped inside an invisible cardboard box. I am currently going through a ‘bad episode’ with my brain and it is really, really difficult to deal with.
I always had sympathy for people who had to deal with mental illness, but I never appreciated how such a thing could control ones life until I started behaving irrationally because of my own mental health.

I haven’t been able to talk to people over the phone because it causes me to have a panic attack, when I go outside I hide behind sunglasses so that people cannot see my eyes darting around, examining them all for signs that they are looking at me. This week I had an interview with a podcast and I felt really miserable afterwards because I realised just how drained and old I had sounded when I answered the questions asked of me.

The smallest thing can suddenly become a huge issue that I will obsess about over and over again – sometimes I don’t sleep because I’m rethinking scenarios over in my head and building them up to be big and bad and terrible when, in reality, I know somewhere deep in my head that they wouldn’t be. The panic is consuming and scary – there is nothing quite like a terrible thought in your mind causing your heart to feel as though it is being squeezed, and it’s scary just how quickly your whole body can begin to tremble at the thought of doing something your head is telling you would be terrible.

Feeling as I do causes me great despair because I feel as though I have lost some of my independence and simple tasks need encouragement from others. It sucks, but this is where I am right now. I need patience; my own, as well as the patience of others.

This is a battle I will win, I just need to find my feet, for people to stop pretending they know how I feel and let me battle my own demons, and eventually I will get on with my life.


7 Responses to "I need patience"

You are right – no-one can know how you feel, but many of us have been there or somewhere similar. About ten years ago I was in as bad a place as there is; nowadays I won’t say everything is 100% all of the time, but it does get better. You have a good approach, though friends help too! Wish you well.

Thoughts are with you. I’ve been having a better few weeks but suddenly in the last couple of days I’ve clammed up again emotionally.

I have trouble with phones too and I try not to go out at all when feeling like this- I even find it difficult to take the bin bags out to the bin. I didn’t realise just how bad it is and I know some people have thought I’m “using” my illness as an excuse not to do something but it is difficult to explain just how hard it is to do the simplest things at times.

Sometimes I can’t go out and just sit for hours in front of the computer. I can’t quite explain it but I feel “safe” here in my own world.

Depression and related illnesses still have a terrible stigma attached to them and it is made worse by the fact it doesn’t have a physical visual symptom attached to it- when you break your arm you have a cast, when you have mental health issues there is nothing you can show. I think thats one of the reasons I started self harming- I wasn’t getting what some describe as a “rush” from it and unlike most people instead of hiding them I instantly started showing them off so that I could say to people “look, see, there are physical marks, now do you believe me?” and it seemed like it was the only way to demonstrate there is something wrong- like some who try to commit suicide as a “cry for help” as opposed to a genuine attempt .

I haven’t self harmed in about 6 weeks and I have been feeling better, but I just get that sense that things are going to turn round again. I spent nearly all of today in bed, unable to get out and literally hiding there. My heart was racing and I leapt at the slightest sound.

There are people around you both physically and in the cyber world who can sympathise and all my best thoughts that I can muster are with you.



As a depression sufferer, who has had a couple of serious anxiety attacks, I have sympathy, compassion and concern for you. Know that it will get better, I have been up and down a stack of times since my twenties and am now 55. It WILL pass. Persist. Talking to other about it helps me. <- Anecdotal, but it can work. Keep up the good work.
Steve. (and the @skepticpuppehs)

You have my full and unwavering support.

Mental health issues are as debilitating and real as physical health issues (avoiding the semantic issues of what’s physically happening in the brain in mental health issues). I’ve had tremendous luck with talk therapy in the past and wish you luck and strength in your journey.

I really understand depression and anxiety.

I battle constantly against both. My head never seems to switch off at night: I lie there replaying the past and how I could have done things differently. Then I think about how bad the future could be. Especially now that my husband has been seriously ill……

Criky Hayley, how much of what you posted resonates with me.
Had a really tough couple of years and was off for six months last year. At its worst I could not face the world. I still have panic attacks in crowded places.
Admitting the problem was the first step to taking control.
I am under no illusion that I will ever be free of my condition. I have good days, I have bad days….I have medication, I spend time reviewing how I feel and try to make sense of it.
You are quite correct I don’t know how you feel, I am not even convinced I know how I feel most of the time. But it’s good to know that I am not unsual in that!

Take care mate

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Hayley is a ghost

Hayley Stevens is an advocate for science-based research into seemingly paranormal experiences and occurrences. With a background in the pseudo-scientific research into ghosts, Hayley offers a unique insight into the strange world of ghost hunting through her experience.

She describes herself as 'a ghost hunter who doesn't hunt for ghosts' and this is her personal blog where she writes about ghosts, people, and other interesting things. Read more here.

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